in my head, i have all the clever, lovely, perfect comebacks. in my head, i have the apologies, the speeches, the right words to make myself clear, to let you know exactly how i feel and what i need to hear from you.

and then i look at you while trying to get them out my mouth, and my mind stalls. or rather, i think, i can’t do this to you, i can’t risk it, and so i make light of the situation, swallow the hurt and smoke another cigarette.

she says she feels so much better about what she’s doing because she sees what i’m doing, and i’m in a much worse situation. she doesn’t mean it unkindly, and i know exactly what she means. compared to me, and my situation, everyone else is doing pretty darn good.