there’s been a shift, almost imperceptible.

partly inevitability, partly understanding. realisation takes many forms, and enlightenment comes only from stepping away from the minute details.

but they’ve (it’s?) fallen into place, just, while i was playing pool with the boys strangely enough. i’m not even sure what it is. i just know that i felt a calmness settle, and a sudden feeling of knowing. although i don’t know yet what i know.

it might be a new year thing, anticipating the resolutions i’ll be thinking about while on the flight back to london. but then again, it might just be a leaving thing.

doesn’t matter, though. it’s all a means to an end, and the end right now is very clear. it’s the path there that’s obscured.

i realise that i haven’t exactly been the epitome of emotional stability, and i recognise that it has been a problem.

but trust me, i’m working on it.

with the help of a few good friends and plenty of intoxicants, i’m sure that i’ll get something sorted out soon. or be much too gone to actually remember what i started drinking for in the first place.

and of course that’s not a solution. it’s a stopgap measure at most. but, y’know, numbness is okay sometimes. at least until i get my act together again.

it’s also about time i started planning an exit strategy.

i’m ready to leave.

i woke up the other day with that thought in my head. i didn’t know why, it must have been my sub-conscious telling me what i’m only consciously discovering several days later.

it’s time to get on with it, time to begin the next phase of my life.

the problems here (and there), they’ll remain unresolved and probably will for a long time more. but then again, i’ve lived with them for a long time now, so there’s no real rush to force a solution when there are other much more important things to deal with.

like housing, work and my future.

i feel like i’ve done what i can, and there’s not much more i can do without giving it up completely. so, right now i’m perfecting my handover procedure and everything will be complete.

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你那天讲对了 －－ 有时辛福比快乐重要。

从今我会用心寻找辛福，若辛福能与快乐合濒那当然最完美。
若之内没你，我就也得接受这一切只是上天安排的一场长绵游戏。

但她也说得对啊 －－ 快乐不也是一种辛福？

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i’ve been trying to change my flight, but so far all i’ve got is a latenight flight on the 31st (so i guess there’ll be no new years celebration for me with anybody but the airplane) or on the 16th of january which is cutting it just a bit too close to when i start work. considering i’m homeless and all that. but i’m on the waitlist for other dates as well so who knows.

i’m doing my hardest to sort things out but everything’s still all up in the air and i realise that new year’s is only 2 weeks away and honestly, i’m already starting to miss singapore. that familiar achy feeling of loss and loneliness that begins every time i leave somewhere for an extended period of time.

i guess everything just takes getting used to. but after 4 years of impermanence, i still find it difficult to say goodbye to [ ] and [ ] and [ ] and [ ]. and this time around,it’s going to be even harder.

in my head, i have all the clever, lovely, perfect comebacks. in my head, i have the apologies, the speeches, the right words to make myself clear, to let you know exactly how i feel and what i need to hear from you.

and then i look at you while trying to get them out my mouth, and my mind stalls. or rather, i think, i can’t do this to you, i can’t risk it, and so i make light of the situation, swallow the hurt and smoke another cigarette.

she says she feels so much better about what she’s doing because she sees what i’m doing, and i’m in a much worse situation. she doesn’t mean it unkindly, and i know exactly what she means. compared to me, and my situation, everyone else is doing pretty darn good.